HEALTH CARE REFORM: MYTHS & FACTS.

BY ROB KUTNER

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MYTH:

The Democratic health care reform proposal will not let you choose your own doctor.

FACT:

You will have a wider-than-ever range of doctors to choose from! In order to accommodate 45 million new patients, the plan expands the definition of "doctor" from "medically licensed professional" to now also include:

• Morning radio DJs who have adopted the moniker

• Televised bullies (Phil, Laura)

• PhDs in any field, and "All But Dissertation" PhD candidates. Trust us, you will have no problem getting an appointment to see these master procrastinators.

• Soda creators (Pepper, Brown*)

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MYTH:

Obamacare™ will ration life-saving medicine away from the elderly and disabled via "Death Panels."

FACT:

While nothing can replicate the current mercy-driven system of rationing via "Private Insurer Form Letter," the new proposal certainly does not consign end-of-life decisions to panels of faceless bureaucrats. Rather, they are taken up by exciting, glamorous "Celebrity Death Panels"™ (C-List minimum).

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MYTH:

People in Britain are deeply unhappy with their socialized medicine system, which ours will become.

FACT:

People in Britain are deeply unhappy with everything. It is their only source of happiness.

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MYTH:

Universal health care will transform the United States into another Cuba/Canada/France/Venezuela/The Democratic Republic of the Congo.

FACT:

A common misconception! It will, in fact, transform us into a Jamaica/Costa Rica/Amsterdam/Chad.

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MYTH:

If you do it standing up, you'll have a boy.

FACT:

The BHO-HMO offers full coverage for pre-, neo- and post-natal care, without regard to procreative positioning.^

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MYTH:

Athena emerged, fully grown, from the skull of Zeus.

FACT:

Despite being King of the Gods and Lord of Thunder™, Zeus was denied medical coverage by private insurers due to being classed with a "Priapistic condition." This painfully constant state of male "preparedness" could only be tamed by nonstop anonymous intercourse. Frankly, it's a wonder Athena is the only creature to emerge from his body.

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MYTH:

Suzie Jenkins' mom is, like, a total "alkie."

FACT:

Totally.

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@ 'McSweenys'