Kim Jong-Il, they don't call him great for nothing!

Not only can the Dear Leader hide nuclear missiles, he also knows football tactics. Those are two pretty mean party tricks. Most reading types are aware of the Great Leader’s nuclear ambitions, but not too many folks are probably aware that North Korean leader and super-tactician Kim Jong-Il was also the inspiration behind North Korea’s march to South Africa. That’s right. And to think we’ve spent the better part of the last five months praising Roy Hodgson whose full time job is to manage Fulham. The Great Leader has to juggle tactical preparation with oppressing his people, rationing electricity, nuclear arms negotiations, collecting fabulous sunglasses, and forcible relocations. Take that Roy Hodgson, you one-trick pony.

According to Kim Jong Su of the North Korean Football Association, “The Great Leader gave in-depth guidance on the development of Korean football. He proposed the game’s tactics most relevant for the physiological characteristics of the Korean players.” Now that’s a leader.

Of all the North Korea previews I’ve seen (and there aren’t many), none of them try to get inside the head of the team’s tactical nerve center, the man himself, Kim Jong-Il. So here, only here, will you find some proper analysis that will enable you to properly place your bets on who gets out of the Group G, which many acknowledge is the 2010 World Cup’s Group of Death.

Tactics: Watch for the Unpredictable

The Great Leader is a big fan of the clandestine. Whether with uranium enrichment or general team information, Kim takes great measures to carefully conceal his hand. At the World Cup, the element of surprise weighs in favor of the North Koreans.

Kim has repeatedly duped foreign leaders, for instance, repeatedly entering into negotiations and then backing out when convenient. For the Great Leader, walking up to the line and quickly backpedaling is merely a form of exercise. If Kim passes on his erratic and unpredictable behavior to his team, watch out for 7-3 formations to start, shifting into 1-2-7 formations if the Koreans need goals. Completely disregard anything you’ve seen in qualification and friendlies, because what you see is not always what you get when the Great Leader is involved.

Style: In One Word – Hungry

The term “hungry” is often used to describe players who have an insatiable appetite to win. But with the North Koreans, the team might literally be hungry. And if they fail to impress, they could go hungry for some time. Kim Jong-Il is known for rewarding athletes who do well, while mercilessly punishing those who fail to meet his standards. So expect his side to get after it. The fashionable sides facing this hardened group of North Koreans may be in for a surprise when they learn what it really means to be hungry for success. And for the North Korean players, success will surely bring that reward that North Koreans desperately want and need, a massive, synchronized parade, full of all the color that has been removed from their daily lives. If that’s not incentive, I don’t know what is.

Adversaries: Escaping Death

Alongside the North Koreans in the “Group of Death” are Brazil, Portugal, and Sven-Göran Eriksson’s Côte d’Ivoire. Yes, the same Sven who was being lined up to potentially manage North Korea in South Africa. It makes you wonder whether Côte d’Ivoire’s placement in Group G is part of some nefarious plan concocted by the mind of the Great Leader. Too many variables you say? Well, Sven is capable of anything if the price is right. We all know that FIFA and bribery are good friends. And you can never underestimate the mind of a dictator when pride is at stake on the global stage. I’m just saying, don’t underestimate the mind of the man behind the sunglasses.

But back to the Group of Death. When you think of all the necessary characteristics that would enable one to overcome death, there’s an argument for each of Group G’s teams to escape group play. The Brazilians escape the death, kidnappings and Manchester City regularly. That’s a lot of evil to deal with. But I fear that Brazil may have become complacent with all of their success in spite of these obstacles. Portugal has a bunch of primadonnas who would rather look good than win. Faced with death, they’ll fold under the pressure and choose stylish losing. And Sven, well, he always escapes death, often getting paid handsomely in the process. But given that he cares more about his paycheck than he does about success, expect him to run well before it becomes a fight to the death. That leaves North Korea, a team of internationals that don’t even have refrigerators. As North Korean player Choe Myong Ho eloquently stated, “What’s a refrigerator for? It allows you to get cold drinks in the summer. And if you do that, you could catch a cold and not be able to train.” Yeah, in a Group of Death, I’m taking that guy.

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And there you have it, my dark horse to make it out of the Group of Death, North Korea, heading into the knockout rounds with Brazil, the conventional pick. I’d have put my money on the completely unconventional duo of North Korea and Côte d’Ivoire if Sven wasn’t involved. But alas, he is.

Now that my selection is made for Group G, I need to find a proper North Korean supporters club, which is difficult since no North Koreans will be permitted to travel to South Africa for the World Cup. Fortunately, a stand-up crew of Chinese fans calling themselves the “fans volunteer army” have stepped in to support the North Koreans and have been given tickets from the North Korean government. How’s that for community service? It would be a sad day in South Africa to watch North Korea play without supporters, especially considering that the nation has a very strong flag, perfect for waiving and apparel. I hope the volunteer army accepts me. But just in case, I’m bringing platform shoes to show them that I’m down with the Leader.

Clive Longbottom-Fellow, Esq. @'Nutmeg Radio'