Monday 21 June 2010

FIFA buys South Africa for R750 million


Local World Cup organisers admitted last night that they have sold South Africa to FIFA in exchange for an extra R750 million in World Cup funding. Outlining plans for the transition of power, Danny Jordaan announced that Sepp Blatter will be inaugurated as President during the closing ceremony on July 12th, with the country’s name to be changed to The Bureaucrats’ Republic of Fifania®.

Danny Jordaan confirmed at a press conference last night that the R750 million contributed by FIFA to plug gaps in World Cup funding was given in exchange for the complete handover of South Africa to the soccer governing body.

“It actually makes a lot of sense,” Jordaan confided to journalists. “Previously, if you think about it, the relationship between South Africa and FIFA has been quite a lot like a cheap one-night stand between one of Lolly Jackson’s Eastern European ladies and some Moroccan gangster, where the Russian flossie just has to lie there and submit to a humiliating series of sexual procedures involving leather restraints and a lot of rectal action.”

“Now, with this new agreement, it’ll be more like a very, very expensive one-night stand between one of Lolly Jackson’s Eastern European ladies and a Moroccan gangster, where she steals his wallet but he gets to keep her house and family and passport and immortal soul.”

“Basically, everybody wins,” he explained. “The gangster gets a nice new home, and the prozzie gets some cash to spend on lipstick and the English team’s training facility at the Royal Bafokeng Sports Campus.”

The ANC government has greeted the news of their imminent expulsion from power with “quiet relief”.

“Let’s not kid, we were in a lot of kak anyway,” said spokesperson Tribalist Mfecane. “And a lot us feel that Sepp Blatter will provide the kind of confident, authoritarian leadership this country is crying out for.”

“Also, we are all already accustomed to a president dogged by allegations of corruption and financial mismanagement, so President Blatter won’t be hearing any chirps about that,” he added.

FIFA officials are already hard at work with the blueprints of what their new country will look like.

The governmental seat of power in Fifania® will be transferred from Pretoria to Camps Bay, where Blatter is building a “cosy little lock-up-and-go President’s crib” spanning 17 blocks. All current governmental departments will be disbanded except for the Ministry of Defence. The armed forces are to be expanded to accommodate the 44 million men, women and children over the age of seven who will be conscripted to serve in Blatter’s elite defence corps, the Soccer Soldiers (SS). The SS’s primary function will be to “seek out and destroy” people infringing FIFA copyright the world over.

Children under the age of seven are expected to be put to work in state-of-the-art production facilities manufacturing FIFA-branded clothing, pens and cups.

“By ‘state-of-the-art production facilities’ we mean all those big stadiums that will just be lying around empty after the World Cup,” explained Blatter’s henchman Hermann Ubermensch. “We’ll get in some conveyor belts, headhunt a few of those friendly factory supervisors Nike uses in Thailand, stick some nice smiley Zakumi posters around to make the kids feel safe, and we’ll have this economy booming in no time!”

South Africa will not be the only territorial acquisition FIFA makes this year. In late Spring, FIFA also intends to add Greece to its shopping basket. “They don’t have any money and Sepp Blatter loves tzatziki,” confirmed Ubermensch. “It’s a bloodless coup made in heaven.”


from hayibo

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