'One night, I saw her again, and all my pent-up feelings were let loose' ... Andrew WK in 2001. Photograph: guardian.co.uk
Despite moving to a new area, I still couldn't stop thinking about the girl behind the song My Destiny. Part of me was just scared of getting in trouble again, but my infatuation was still very much alive; I had just pushed it deep inside me, and it was a matter of not letting it out. I got pretty good at controlling it, mainly by occupying myself entirely with Andrew WK. But one night, I saw her again, and all my pent-up feelings were let loose. Here's how it happened…
After we launched Andrew WK, my career immediately took off – it was an overnight sensation. I was on TV, on the radio, in magazines and newspapers, and touring around the world playing concerts. It was getting to the point where a lot of people I grew up with were seeing me around and shocked that "the troubled kid" from school was now some sort of "rock star". I was pretty low-key about any of the celebrity or fame I was receiving, but I couldn't deny the excitement of all the attention. On our first big US tour, we played every major city. When we played in Cleveland, Ohio, I heard a rumor that the girl was coming to the show. Of course, my heart skipped a beat and a lump formed in my throat. I was terrified but also thrilled. I refused to believe she was actually going to show up, but I was aware that she had moved to Cleveland to go to art school, so it was possible. I just couldn't believe that she would want to see me after all I had put her through. I figured she hated my guts and would never want to see me again, so I put her out of my mind.
We played our concert and had a great show. After, I was signing autographs for the audience in the parking lot behind the venue, when all of a sudden, there she was. It was probably the most scared I have ever felt in my life. I don't know how to explain the feeling. It was a mixture of total terror and absolute happiness. She made me almost sick with lust. I tried to avoid looking at her as best I could – but it was extremely hard to resist. The whole experience was overwhelming, and I excused myself from the rest of the fans and basically ran to my tour bus. After all, I still had the restraining order hanging over me (I wasn't quite 21 yet, which is when it ended).
After trying to catch my breath and slow my racing heart, I heard a knock on the door. It was her! I couldn't believe this was happening. What do I do!? I had a choice – I could either ignore her knocking (like she had ignored my knocking all those years earlier) and just let this miracle moment pass, or I could muster up my courage and answer the door. Maybe now, because I was doing well with Andrew WK and having success, she would give me the time of day! I gave myself a big mental pep-talk and answered the door.
"Hello," I said. I could barely talk – my mouth was so dry, and I was shaking with such force that the words were choppy. "Hello, Andrew," she said.
I invited her onto the bus and into the private back lounge, where it could be just her and me. I felt dizzy. My eyes were blurry and my ears were kind of ringing. My heart was beating so hard that I felt like I was having a heart attack. Still, I kept telling myself, "You can do this. You have to do this. This is what you wanted. This is your dream come true." We made our way into the back of the tour bus and I closed the door behind us. I was shaking, sweating, and felt like I was about to puke. I'm sure she could tell, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she sat down next to me on the bench seat and looked into my eyes.
"It's great to see you after all these years," she said. "I want to apologise for getting you in so much trouble back in high school. I think that song you wrote is really sweet, but back when I was younger, I was too freaked out to handle it or appreciate it."
I couldn't believe what she was saying! Here she was apologising to me! "No!" I said. "It's me that wants to apologise to you! I am so embarrassed about that song and that I was so obsessed with you. I'm really sorry for being so stupid back then."
"It's OK," she said. "We were both really young. Plus, you've obviously grown up a lot. You're doing really well now with your music and I think it's really cool."
What happened next was probably the most shocking, terrifying and awful experience I've ever had with a girl. All of sudden, just when I felt like everything was going great, I felt my nervousness intensify to a sickening degree. The room started spinning and my heart started beating harder than ever. I really felt like I was going to die – I couldn't catch my breath. The last thing I remember is that my head started to throb and my stomach started to hurt really bad – I couldn't see or hear anything. I blacked out.
I woke up in a hotel bedroom with my tour manager and some of my band standing around. What the hell had happened? Why aren't I on the bus? Was it all a dream? Where is she?
Turns out, I had experienced a severe anxiety attack and my body had shut down. If that wasn't bad enough, when I lost consciousness I also accidentally went to the bathroom in my pants. All of this happened right in front of her and, of course, she freaked out like crazy. She ran out of the bus and got security from the venue to call an ambulance. She thought I had died and was really scared. The medics determined I was fine, just a little stressed out, and took me to our hotel and gave me some fluids to rehydrate me after all the diarrhoea. I don't remember anything except blackness and then waking up in the hotel.
I never got the girl's phone number or had any way to follow up with her. I asked the venue security if they had seen her and they told me she left in a hurry. That was the last time I saw her and have never seen her again since.
I've obviously not told this story to many people except my closest friends. Publishing this is a part of the emotional therapy program I've been doing. Letting out these painful and humiliating experiences is supposed to be healing, so I'm going with it. Looking back now, I feel like maybe me passing out at that perfect moment was the universe's way of punishing me for what I did to the girl with My Destiny in high school. It was the ultimate golden opportunity and my body couldn't take advantage of it. I guess karma really is a bitch.
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